As downright sad as it is, and no matter how many times we tell the world, we are not always fine. At least, not all the time. There’s this delicate balance of what it means to be fine, I’ve concluded. The majority of our lives are spent walking that delicate line, doing our best to keep from falling to one side of fine, neither complacent nor realizing we aren’t fine at all.
Personally, I had been doing well of balancing. That is, until this week, when I discovered that in certain areas of my life, I’m not fine. To my disappointment, I am not fine when it comes to body image. To boil all of it down, through all of my weight loss, work outs, and diet changes, I never honestly talked about what was going on within me with someone else. Even though my journey was documented here, I never openly and honestly talked with people I was close with about the sheer social anguish I was going through, or the deep insecurities I was masking by obsessively punishing my body five days a week. Or that I still look in the mirror most days and see every fault on my body. In other words, not fully fine with my silence, and my choice to stay silent about it all.
What’s difficult about it all is that I’m not unhappy, nor am I wanting sympathy. I’m just not fine with how it happened. Maybe I would be fine had I from the start allowed myself to be more open with my close friends about the pure difficulty of it all, or the anguish I felt when suddenly people see you as a different person. Even more so, that I just couldn’t talk about it.
The truly sad part about it all is that, earlier this week, I actually had a competitive moment regarding me having more insecurity regarding my body. Which, honestly, is what made me realize…I had to accept that I’m not really fine with the whole situation, and that I needed to change. Being open about this isn’t going to be easy, clearly. Were it easy, I’d have been open from the beginning.
Fortunately, this is only me being slightly off the Fine line (ha! I finally fit in that pun without it being too awful). This is me with one foot on the line, the other slightly into the empty void next to the line. Even more, I also know what’s going to make this particular issue become fine for me. I mean, I’m at least fine with the rest of life. This one issue is nothing compared to other issues I couldn’t be fine with. So, I’ll be ok. In fact…I’ll be fine.
On a happy note, yesterday was two official months for Ben and I. Which makes me smile with a great joy. I can’t wait till he’s back in Eugene from Boulder.
Much Love,
K.E.
1 Comment
January 29, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Hey Kevin,
I just wanted to stress how important this kind of reflection is. We all have unique experiences and one of yours is the transition from being overweight to fit, and the way that members of our culture react differently based on these factors.
Even though it’s difficult I think this is the most important writing you can do, because you’re not the only one!
When I read this post, I kept waiting for you to get into the meat of your feelings on the subject, but instead it was like you talked about the fact that you have feelings about it, without ever letting the reader in on exactly how you feel!
So let me know when you write more on the subject cuz I want to read it!
-Katie