For many years, I used to dream of how my life would change: that I would wake up one day, transformed to an attractive person who wasn’t fat and sad; I would be successful and popular, complete with a boyfriend who was gorgeous and loved me. I would be like everyone else, in my mind. Sadly, ever day, I would wake up and the dream wouldn’t happen. I would wake up, and be the same person: fat, sad, and alone. And every day, I would be a little more bitter, a little more depressed about what I felt I was entitled to have what everyone else did because of my personal sufferings.
Yet, here I am now healthy, happy, and in love. I woke up finally, and instead of being pathetic about what I hadn’t been given, I stood up and worked hard to receive what I wanted. I ate well and worked out; I made decisions about my life that were hard but fulfilling; and I finally threw away my trust issues and fell in love. None of which was deeded to me by the world or anybody else but me. What truly changed was that I saw these things as something I wasn’t entitled to but something I needed to be deserving of. Who could love someone who couldn’t love themselves? How could happiness and success come when what we did made us so depressed? Why would consider ourselves healthy when we were clearly not?
I see that sad person I used to be and do not recognize them. In fact, seeing that old person only makes me want to inspire and change other people’s lives. So many people have lives they feel they must live in, that they must accept the given circumstances and the required hardships; yet also, they have the same desire for the things in life they feel entitled to because of their situation. If I can change my perspective and place, so can anyone else. It’s never easy, nor is it simple. But it’s forever worth it.
See, living your life without expectation of entitlement gives you freedom to actually enjoy what you do have in life. I didn’t know how good I had things until I stopped expecting everything to change and become better. I just hope others could find that clarity.
It’s too bad that some people never move away from their pain. Life gets so much better when you give up all that anger, that pain, that jealousy, that lust, all that fear, and simply live. Breathing gets deeper, loving gets happier, and living grows fuller.
If only us crazy humans weren’t so set in our ways. And on that, I leave.
Much Love,
K.E.
1 Comment
May 19, 2009 at 11:32 am
Wow Kevin. That was really deep and thank you for sharing. A lot of what you described is how I feel and your words made me realize that it’s just really not that worth waking up and feeling this way anymore. Weird because I’m the total opposite. Not being conceited, but because I’ve heard it. Beautiful, skinny and healthy. I have my insecurities for my own personal reasons, but after reading this. I realize that life is just way too short to be worried, jealous, hurt, insecure and a whole bunch of other negative things.
Thank you for shedding some light into the dark whole I was sinking myself into day after day Kevin.