This crowd will not subside

Now that it’s been a few days since the election, I feel like I’m ok to post about it. I’d been waiting to write, because I wanted to know exactly how to phrase my thoughts. There was nothing unemotional about this election, and those emotions run extremely deep for people. That’s the whole reason I don’t bring up politics often; we are all passionate about our beliefs, and when we come into disagreement or opposition we enter an extremely defensive mode. I don’t want to have people feel that with what I a to say: but I do have to say what I will.

This won’t be a post about Barack Obama. I’m proud he won, I’m ecstatic our country has broken a glass ceiling, and that our society is beginning to implement true social change. This post, though will be about the passing of Proposition 8.

I voted no on Prop 8, as my post several weeks ago stated. I stated my reasons for no, and I stand by all those reasons.

Prop 8’s passage has left people destroyed, it seems. Too many of my friends were devastated, angry, personally hurt by its passing. For the first time in our nation’s history, we passed a constitutional amendment that clearly discriminates against a minority population; in the eyes of some, it created a population of second class citizens, which I should be counted among them.

I post today that, though Prop 8 passed, it does not mean my rights are gone. As people and citizens of this nation, we only lose those rights we fail to fight for, that we freely give up. Yes, according to the constitution, gays and lesbians will not be legally able to marry. But by God, if accept this as our only option, than yes, we do become second class citizens. The moment we stop fighting, stop caring, stop working, and stop loving who we love, that is when we will lose our right to legal marriage. Proposition 8 only passes when every person who voted no on it gives in, and relinquishes their right.

I may not be able to walk into a county office in California and get a marriage license when I ask for it, but I damn well will try when the time comes. And if they tell me no, I will go back every day till they do, and I will fight every day for the right. I am not angry, nor am I saddened, nor am I devastated. I am determined. I am determined to have and keep my right; and I will stay determined until our world finishes its change, or until I die. But I will never give up.

With all my heart, I do not hate a single person who voted Yes on 8. Plenty of people who voted yes are good people, not villains or monsters wishing to see gays and lesbians wallow in the fires of hell. These people are simply not ready for this. I simply pray that their hearts are softened, and they can some day soon see that legally recognizing two people becoming one entity in the eyes of the law can be separate from an religious understanding of marriage.

To close out, I want to leave with something one of my best friends Cori said: there are plenty of marriages between men and women without God in them. How is it better to give these men and women a sanctioned marriage just because they love each other, when gay men and women love each other just the same, and seek the same union? It is a hard thought, but a valid point. One I honestly believe. We are at a cross roads. 52.3% is a far cry from the 60% in 2000. Next time, when the opportunity to finish our changes comes around, I truly believe I will not remain become a second class citizen.

Because I will never accept that I’m anything but a citizen, complete with those rights given to a citizen. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Much Love,

K.E.

Supposed to be seductive I guess

Why is it that I get completely uncomfortable when someone compliments me? Like, saying I’m cute, or attractive, or hot, or a stud, or any combination of those words that refer to a person’s physical attribute. These words literally cause me to revulse and want to tell whomever is saying these awful compliments to stop talking and turn around, head back to where they came from, and never talk to me again. Ok…dramatic. But, it’s how I feel at times. Or, 90% of the time, when I have these words thrown at me.

I don’t get it, really. Part of me, as soon as someone uses the ultra-cutesy, mooshy-lovey words, I get weirded out. People actually say these things, and expect whoever’s hearing them to think this person likes them so much to use them? COME ON! People use these words to describe ANYONE they find attractive and want to butter up for whatever dark deed they have planned between the sheets. Everyone’s a “stud” or a “cutie” it seems in the eye of the wanton (you’re damn right I turned that adjective into a noun.) I just don’t see any special meanging in them.

I guess a large part comes from knowing that, using these words to me is too much public affection. These are terms that denote attraction and personal passion between two peopl, and when thrown around they lose all important meaning. It’s like telling someone you love everything about them, just to get them to sleep with you. Also, if (and that’s is one HUGE if) I ever use these words, they would not be towards someone i’m trying to pick up. That would just be plain wrong. Don’t use endearment terms if you’re not endeared. it’s a shameful thing.

Of course, the other little part of me that revulses is that sliver of my old brain, that hears these words and couldn’t possibly believe that they could be describing me. I mean, I know it’s not true. I don’t look like a hideous person undeserving of love; I’m over that phase of my psyche, and am doing what I can to continue to heal those old, old wounds. But I can’t help when the unconscious kicks in and says to me a person clearly is lying to me, because I’m fat and ugly man (old me…not new me, remember). That’s the part that’s hardest I think. Reconciling the fact that, I don’t want to hear these words because I don’t want to believe them. Maybe it’s because if I believe them, I’ll see myself as narcissistic and someone I don’t want to be. Maybe I’ll never know, either. All I know is, it bothers me.

And apparently, I’m jaded. Who knew?

Much love,

K.E.

See, I’m only human

Strength. Something so simple, yet so painful. We all have strength. For some, it’s physical, others mental. Some people have strengths in literature, music, or science, others have strength of character or morality. Strength comes in so many forms. Yet, having strength doesn’t always mean we are strong. To be strong, we muscle through past the physical limitation or obstacle, demonstrate our unequivocal poise of a subject, or stand strong for who we are and what we believe. Worse, though, is when our strength is tested, and we wonder just how strong we are; or think chance even to discover that, maybe, we are not strong at all.

These moments are frightful, occuring when leasted expected. Too often, they do not occur when we have a physical competition or test of subject. Our moments of doubt appear out of the blue, when you suddenly cannot move your leg without searing pain, or the panic of being grilled regarding the details of anatomy reminds you just how much you do not know. Or the moment happens after you’ve concluded you do have the strength to weather any moral risk or obstacle, and when confronted with the reality of the moment, you pull away, incapable of harboring the strength you were so sure you had.

I in fact just had this moment occur to me. I thought I was a person who could let things not effect how I felt about a person. See, to me, every little detail about us is simply an aspect of a whole, not the definition of us as people. I view people as a whole, and I always saw this as a strength. Until recently.

I do see this view as a strength; but I am not strong in it. I couldn’t view something that was an aspect of someone as something less important than their whole. It consumed me, and scared me. So, I made a decision that, even though I know is the right decision, was not a decision I thought I would make. And it was an awful feeling to feel so weak, and to feel as if I have no strength. To not feel strong when I thought I was so strong.

Yet, out of it, I discovered that I was strong in a place I never thought I had strength: I was strong for myself. Not too long ago, making decisions for myself didn’t really happen. I would conduct my life in constant concern for how I thought others needed me to conduct it. Yet, I now am able to recognize that, when I need to be strong for myself, I can be strong. And make decisions that, though not perfect and sometimes painful, are the best decision for me. I can be strong for myself, and that is a strength that I will not be sad to have found.

I gues that’s the end of my philsophical rant on this. I’m tired, and work tomorrow. So, good night.

Much Love,

K.E.

Cry freedom cry

Yesterday, I mailed my official 2008 Voters Ballot back to California, and I’ve officially voted. It’s such an odd experience to vote via mail, and before the national voting date, but I felt so fantastic to vote. I’ve always been a big believer of voting, a right that as citizens every single one of us should cherish. Voting is our direct say in how our government is run, who represents us, and what we want our country and world to be. Also, voting is something universal to every citizen in this country over 18, a right that we all share, regardless of our color of skin, wealth, religious beliefs, gender, or orientation. Voting is our greatest symbol of just how equal we are in this nation, and something I cherish and care about so much.

Which is why, for a very rare instance, I’m taking this post to say something…actually political. The only vote I’m going to reveal is that I voted no on California’s Proposition 8, which would amend the state constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman. I voted no for so many reasons, the same way that people will vote yes for so many reasons.

Paramount, I voted no because I believe that to place limits and confines on the legal definition of marriage is unconstitutional. Now, note, I said legal. Religiously, the government has no say in how religion defines marriage; it’s guaranteed in the First Amendment, even. To give definition to marriage that excludes members of our nations minority communities, though, is unconstitutional. Go back to the 1940’s, and also the 1960’s, when in states across the country had legally binding definitions of marriage that forbid marriage to happen between people of different racial backgrounds. Each of these laws and statutes were deemed unconstitutional because they excluded citizens of this country from enjoying the same legal rights as other simply because they loved someone. All religious connotations aside, same-sex marriage boils down to this exact same point: by voting yes on Prop 8, the state will exclude citizens rights based solely off of who they love.

And to address the religious arguments, those shouldn’t be raised in a country that is supposed to have a seperation of church and state. Look at countries like Turkey or France, where they pride themselves on how they can have a society where government is seperate from religious belief, regardless of each country containing a massive majority of a religious group (Muslims in Turkey, Catholics in France.) To base our entire system of government on a religious belief changes the nature of this country, and transforms us from a democratic republic to a theocracy, something that even our founding fathers, regardless of their deep religious faith, did not want our country to be. If they had, they would have installed the Puritans as rulers and created a Commonwealth along the lines of England in the 17th century under Oliver Cromwell.

I’m not going to appeal to the sentimental, or popular opinion. These are my reasons, pure and simple. I’m a logical, analytical person, who needs to explain things with concrete reasons. So those are my concrete right above. Voting no on Proposition 8 is about standing up for what the United States needs to stand for: equality and freedom to pursue our lives, our liberty, and our happiness. Nothing else.

And that is why I voted No. My voice is heard. And that is that.

Much Love,

K.E.

It sounded familiar in a way

Long time no blog. Sadly. Well, not really sad. I’m not blogging much because I’ve had so much less to blog about. Not because things don’t happen to me. Things happen to me all the time, really. But I’ve never been much to just regurgitate my day on this blog. This blog is something I try to use to work through the things that happen in my life, not blithely let the world know what’s going on. I try at least to present it all and leave something to be thought about. Or something along those lines.

Something fantastic to talk about though has been the good mojo of my sports teams lately! Michigan State is 5-1 and the Sharks are 3-0, giving me so much to look forward to. Michigan State is a great team this year and I really think they can compete in the Big Ten. Maybe not beat Penn State, but at the very least give them a run for his money. Which is what I look forward to. Add into that the Sharks starting off the regular season with three great games, and I’m in heaven. I may also now be a huge fan of Lukas Kaspar…he’s not only a great player, but he’s kinda attractive as well. Add into that he’s Czech, and…yeah. Amazing month for sports so far. I’m so excited!

Okay, so, I’m in this conundrum. As I’m exploring life on the manfast, living life without making dirty decisions, I’ve come to some interesting crossroads. Namely, crossroads that involve me making decisions regarding awkward situations. Or, potentially awkward situations that set me up to potentially become reattached to people. Namely, I don’t know how to handle the situation…or mostly, I don’t know how to handle myself in the situation. I really hada thing for the guy, and treading the waters of trying to be friends is something I don’t really know how to do…ya know, take a step backwards to a different situation. Basically…I’m worried I’m gonna get all mushy and crap again, which i don’t want to get that way. Or at least…I’d like to not go back that way. We’ll see. I have a feeling this could go many, many ways. Many ways.

Any way, I’m out for the night. Y’all have a good night.

Much love,

K.E.

Gonna smile cuz I deserve to

Friday night was a fantastic time, I must say. The day had been pretty normal, errands being run, groceries bought, the normal fair for one of my days off. I returned to the gym for day two of my death to the body work outs going on right now (who knew that basically taking the majority of a month off from working could hurt so much when you go back…), and following that I ate a fantastic dinner I made all by myself.

To begin the evening, Sean and I enjoyed the normal night of Rogue brews and trivia, doing fairly well until the hard round became…well, impossible really. It was made better though by heading to Cafe Zenon and grabbing a fantastic slice of toffee cheesecake. Basically, I’m really glad that Sean and I are friends; he returns that little slice of judgey crazy make fun of people we don’t like to my daily life that goes vacant when I’m not in proximity to Jesse and Chris. All I know is, considering some of the fun things I talked about Friday night, we’re now friends for a very, very long time…and that’s all you’re getting.

Following Zenon, I picked Heather up and went to Heidi Waite’s house for a music grad party…and it was an amazing night. Stepping into that world again, being a part of it still yet so apart by not being a student was a near beautiful balance, some how. The best way to put it was by my friend Julie, who said I just looked to happy; and I was. I am, even; and to go to a party and not go in order to get happy, but to go and simply continue to be happy…well, that’s just a little slice of heaven. Seeing friends I haven’t seen in months was a beautiful thing, and I felt great seeing them. Plus, I got to debut post strep thinner me…which really wasn’t that much thinner, but everyone noticed. Whatevs, it still felt good.

Amazingly, at this point in the post, I discover I do have a point in why I’m writing down my Friday night. I’m writing it down because, for once in a very long time, I didn’t apologize for all that I’m doing right now. I’m not apologizing for my job, which is going well. I’m not defending my choice to take time off of school. I’m not defending anything; the reasons for my decisions come through in my face, in my actions, in who I am now. For once in…well, I don’t really know when this ever was…I was happy by simply being and existing.

And what a fantastic feeling it is. And it’ll all get better. I know that for sure.

Much Love y’all,

K.E.

When all things under the sky go free of time

After surviving the past few days of work plus strep, I have the first of two days off…and how needed they have been. Needed mostly because combining work and fighting the end of the strep has taken a draining physical toll on my body. I haven’t slept so much in months, on top of which I was eating more food than I thought I would need (apparently when working and killing infections, my body needs food like whoa.) The upside is that last night, I slept for days and days…and woke up feeling fantastic! My throat is basically back to normal, and the little aches I was feeling in it are gone. So, my regular little life is getting back to normal.

What has been amusing to me has been the “Strep Throat Diet”; or better known as the can’t-eat-anything-diet. Prior to this whole bout of infection, I’d been not so healthy on the eating. Well not so much eating, more the drinking. I was enjoying the end of summer a little too much; too many nights a week out with friends at the bar, late night cravings following the drinking…which combined with me being lazy for a few weeks at the gym, I was feeling (and looking) a little fat. But, through the magic of being unable to eat for several days, combined with having my metabolism running at an extremely high rate, I feel back to my old self. Add in that I’m making a plan to not drink so much (this goes along with the manfast thing; alcohol=bad decisions), and I’m on the road to actually liking my body again…yay!

I was planning to leave a post regarding something more, but, I’m kinda done I think. At least with the heavy post. This I guess will just be a boring post. Whatev.

Oh, but I did have fantastic news from one of my best friends! I love when the world gets right again, and people you love get what they deserve! YAY!!!

Much Love,

K.E.

And here we go, there’s nothing left to choose

Today marked my first official day as the Young Men’s Specialist at Macy’s. It was an awesome feeling to know I had the complete responsibility of an entire section of the Men’s Department. Along with it came the knowledge that I must now be more conscious of my area, what I do and don’t have on the floor, the variety of sizes, my backstock and how much is available to be brought out. It’s almost like I have my own store…but within a store. I’m excited, to say the least. Now, I’m just going through the steps of getting my Specialist certification, giving me control over many other fun things, like supsended co-workers, voids, and other fun things that I can do in the computer other people can’t. Go me? I think so.

The strep throat is MUCH better. I may not need any pain killers to help me sleep tonight, which would be fantastic. I’d been taking vicodin just to ensure I’d get sleep, and to keep the pain down. But, I only needed one dose of Advil during the day today, making it one o my best days yet in the fight against my crazy crazy strep infection! Yay for soon to be healthy!

So, something that’s been getting to me lately: the election. See, I’ve made my decision on how I’m going to vote, so for me, the debates, the sound bites, the endless commercials and interviews, they aren’t going to sway me. I’ve made my decision, that’s that. Yet, I’m constantly being irked by people (of both sides of politics) to convince me why I should vote a certain way, in general using some of the worst reasons EVER to convince someone why they should vote a certain way.

I’m a voting adult, one who is a discerning, thoughtful, and analyzing to the point of ridicule, who came to a decision about the race a month ago. Telling me about how cool Sarah Palin is, or how established Joe Biden is, or how charismatic Obama is, or how experienced and war hardened McCain is, doesn’t convince me one way or the other on my decision. If anything, hearing over and over from people why I should vote a certain makes me want to not vote, just to spite them crazy people (clearly this won’t happen; if I don’t vote, i don’t get the right to complain about things. And that is not a right I want to give up). Still, I don’t appreciate political zealots feeling the need to change my mind; I’m a stubborn ass person, changing my mind is a rare thing to achieve. Few have…you probably won’t.

So, I’m gonna go now. More working towards my specialist position!

Much Love,

K.E.

I see a brand new you

In the past, I’ve listed the three primary places I have epiphanal moments, but I’m going to reiterate them just for reference. In general, and this is a 99.9% generality, I have epiphanies while either driving long distances, while at the gym in the middle of my workouts, or while in the shower or taking a bath. Well…I now have another moment when I have epiphanies: strep induced vicodin hazes. Who knew that when your throat is swollen and infected to the point of barely breathing could get you to see your life in a different way. Or at least let you see what you’ve been needing to see…and let you know that you have to fix it.

Now what was this epiphany, you ask? Through the magic of vicodin and swelling (there might have been some lidocaine and sudafed in there too. I had the strep infection from hell, trust me), I took a good look at how I’ve been leading my sexual and romantic life. And what I saw was someone who I didn’t recognize. I had morphed into this person who enjoyed and even relished the fact that he could get casual, completely emotionless sex whenever he wanted to. I saw this person and realized that wasn’t who I knew I could be. I’m better than that, truthishly.

It’s a hard discrepency to make, really. On the one hand, I’m male, and at the core of every male is the desire to control and determine his sexual prowess and identity, to be dominant and powerful through his actions. Add into the picture that one of the truly awesome male icons is to be a player, a man who can get wahtever he wants whenever he wants as being attainable, I understand how I let myself become a person who relished this lustfully desirous life.

When I look at myself though, and look at what I hold important to me, I want so many different things. I do want those joys of sex; but I want them to be in a relationship, one which is monogamous and (God forbid I define anything in my life this way) normal. I don’t want to be a sleezy guy who can list numbers but not names, or nights rather than months.

So, with this fantastic vicodin epiphany also came a stop loss solution for the time being: a manfast. I will be going on a manfast, a self-imposed time-off from romantic/passionate entanglements with men folk in order to straighten out my approach in it all. Now, this is not a chastity pledge or purity vow. I’m just taking a break from the sexual free for all I’ve been able to achieve lately and just…try to go back a few steps and start a fresh start. Who knows if it will achieve anything. But hey…i’ve discovered when i take the time to say I need to work on something, the sacrifice is worth it. So yeah…manfast!

And now that the world probably thinks I’m a dirty dirty whore (which you can think all you like after I’ve sorta painted that picture for you), I’m off to sleep in order to give the strep a chance to get beaten down!

Much Love Y’all,

K.E.

It’s good to see you back home

The past nine days have been tumultuous, chaotic, fast-paced, intolerable, and perfectly what I needed. Tumultuous occured the day I was supposed to leave for New York City, when i woke up with a fever of nearly 101 (which for me is equivalent to a 102 or slightly higher for other people, since my natural body temp is generally about 97.5) coupled with what I would describe at the time the worst neck pain I’d ever experienced. Due to past experiences (sophomore year of high school…), I know not to ignore a fever and extreme neck pain and stiffness. Meningitis is not a disease to trifle with, so I got some Urgent Care, where they told me that nothing was wrong, probably just a cold or flu-like something or other. Regardless, I spent two hours dealing with something that was NOT on my list of things to do for my departure day, making me feel completely out of place and thrown around. But, tumult happens, and is good for us. Every now and then.

So, New York. Need I say anything for it to clearly be the chaotic fast-paced bit? Now, it wasn’t chaotic in a bad way. It was chaotic in the way only New York City can be. I had these vague ideas of where I was, not really knowing where though. I litterally walked into the middle of a major intersection with Chris and two hundred other people because cars were blocking the sidewalk, and essentially placed ourselves in control of an entire intersection. Following Chris’s pace (which I hadn’t bee following for some time, I realized, but could still keep up) we went 10 blocks…in ten minutes. My favorite case was going 13 blocks in 10 minutes. Talk about amazing, yeah? It was fast paced and constant, and so completely fantastic. I saw [title of show] which was amazing, In the Heights, which was equally amazing, and spent time with people that I hadn’t seen for months, and in some cases for more than a year. And then suddenly, New York was done.

Boston (wasn’t intolerable. i had to put these out of order here) began with one of the oddest, yet extrememly pleasant, bus rides ever. I slept most of the way, and didn’t really pay attention to anything around me on the way. Except when we drove through New Haven, Connecticut. I had to mentally remind myself: this is where Yale is. Don’t ask me why…but I had to. Arriving in Boston and taking the T out to meet Jesse was amazing. Jesse, Bob, and Paul were fantastic hosts. I arrived and was treated to a completely home made Italian dinner of meatballs and spaghetti. And by home made, I mean completely homemade…even the pasta. Bob is essentially one of the best cooks ever. Boston was wonderful because it was a balanced visit, one where I was completely busy and out and about one whole day, and then another day did barely anything but sit around Jesse’s apartment and spend time with him or whatever roommate was there at the time. My sojourn with Jesse to Cambridge to see Valerie was amazing, and sorta made me teary. I miss her beyond such belief, and two hours- while beautiful and perfect and filling a long standing void- was no where near enough to fill the whole in my soul that is her friendship. And even though I developed strep throat while there, Boston was exactly what I needed, even if I wanted to break down in tears as I left.

The tears were for both Boston and New York, honestly. I have such great friends in those two cities, people who are such a part of the fabric of what brings out the best in me, that I flourish when with them, and yet must live so far apart from them. Even now, I miss them.

Now, the intolerable part has been being home in California. Not due to may parents in any form, though. It’s been due to me having what I consider to hoenstly be the worst case of strep throat EVER. At one point it has swelled where I had difficulty breathing through my nose because my soft palate wasn’t opening; I couldn’t speak clearly; I couldn’t go the night without waking every hour or two in order to take more medication of any sort whether it was advil or vicodin. My first visit with the doctor, he gave me a penicillin shot that did nothing. I went in to the doctor again today and he gave me a shot to get rid of the swelling and prescribed me ever more antibiotics. And Vicodin. I’m finally feeling better now; but it was honestly intolerable. I couldn’t bear to sit, so drink, eat, do anything at all I was in so much pain. Completely wretched. The strep of course threw a wrench into my plans to visit Stockton, considering I was still violently sick when I was supposed to visit, but that’s ok. I’m recovering, I’m able to be around my parents without going crazy, and it’s all ok. But it has definitely been intolerable.

So, that’s the big update. I might write again tomorrow from either the Oakland Airport or from Eugene when I get home. But the last ten days have been many things. Most of all, thankfully, they’ve given something different from the ordinary. Thankfully.

Much Love,

K.E.