Now no one can call you bad

After six days straight, I have my weekend. And what a six days it’s been. I mean, I really can say that I would never in my entire life have thought I would talk to a stranger regarding whether a style of underwear would “make it pop out”, be sexually harassed, and get hit on, all in the matter of six days. One of those, maybe. But all? I mean…is there an Olympic event I managed to get signed up for that no one let me know was going on? Or am I just that lucky? I’m gonna go with Olympic event; makes it all sound so much more preposterous than it has been.

To be sure, the craze of it all began to really weigh down by the end of the six days. Even though I got through today, I was still expecting something to continually go wrong. Wouldn’t you after the previous events? It’s hard not to think it. So, having two days of respite and rest makes me beyond happy. I’m able to run errands, go grocery shopping (and maybe even get a trip to Target, who knows), and be able to simply decompress from this all. Thankfully.

I was thinking I wanted to type more. But no. Sleep.

Much Love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd

I don’t know why, but in the past five days of work, I’ve managed to accumulate as many stories regarding customers and their craziness as some people who’ve worked in the store for several years. I mean, there was the whole incident of yesterday which, clearly, is a story unto itself. But today, I added some new ones, namely getting hit on by a customer. Though, this one was flattering in comparison to yesterday, and was made by someone who wasn’t creepy and terrifying. I declined, though. Even though he was attractive, I didn’t want to be that cliche, accepting a proposal from a customer, meeting them at some bar, walking back to a hotel and having sex for only one night. That was all he wanted, and made it clear by pointing out that he was in town for only one night. I definitely didn’t play his game he tried to play. And he wasn’t creepy about it, at least. It was just…I mean, who gets sexually harassed one day, and the next day gets hit on? Seriously?

Thankfully, my manager has been really supportive about the whole thing that happened yesterday, and I know that if the creepy guy comes to the store again, I can call security and either I’ll leave the sales floor, or they’ll make sure he is no where near where I’m working. Thankfully, Macy’s takes care of its employees, and actually care that I was put in an awful situation. And thankfully, I said something about the first incident after it happened, meaning I had given coworkers and my manager a starting point in the whole fiasco.

Though, I do have to say I know now what it feels like to “feel violated by being stared at”. I didn’t ever really discredit that being stared at was violating, I just never knew how bad it could feel. Until yesterday. Now, I know just how wretched it feels, and how demeaned you feel after it happens.

Ok, after that little whatever, sleep. Who knows what can possibly happen tomorrow. I’m sure something will, though.

Much Love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

You’ll never touch these things that I hold

So…this post is not a really good one. At all.

So, remember in the previous post where I mentioned the customer who reached into the back of my polo? Well…it got bad today. Really, really bad.

So here’s a rundown of the whole situation:

So, it all began on Wednesday. These two customers came in, brother and sister, and were buying some Jockey undershirts. The sister made a comment regarding why her brother liked them, and he replied that it involved the fact they don’t have a tag. I said in conversation that I didn’t like having a tag on my undershirts/wife beaters either. He then decided it was ok to reach over the check stand and put his hand down the back of shirt, grabbed the tag of my polo, and made a comment that there was a tag in it. I pulled slightly away, quickly finished the transaction, and they left. I told my manager about it the next day, and I figured that was it.

So, today…he came in again. I greeted him inadvertently (he was behind a bunch of mannequins, so I didn’t know it was him I greeted), and when he turned to me he got the most disturbing, perverted, and creepy look on his face. He began to talk to me, and I made base conversation. I walked away and let my coworkers know that was the guy from the other day. He began to shop…but didn’t actually look at clothes, he followed my every move, staring at me with this expression of pure…perversion. My coworker Diana watched, and said it was really, REALLY creepy. he came over to the stand, and wanted to buy something, and wanted me to do it specifically. All while staring with a wanton face directly at me. I busied myself, and Diana took the sale. The entire time he was there, he stared at me only. In a way that physically made me sick. He then went, got another shirt, and wanted me to work with him. Again, Diana did it because he had made her creeped out by how much he was staring at me. She finished it, he left, and actually made a bee line that was to pass by me; I moved as soon as I could.

I have never in my entire life been that uncomfortable or weirded out. Ever. By the time he had finally left the area, I was literally sick to my stomach, and within ten minutes of it ending, began to get the shakes in my hands. I have never, ever felt so violated, either. Even excluding the fact he actually put his hand down the back of my shirt, I felt beyond uncomfortable and actually unable to perform as an employee. It was absolutely awful. The fact he would follow my every move with his stare, from across the entire men’s section, and even at the register, completely made me feel as if he were preparing to buy me instead of shirts. I wouldn’t have put it past him, either.

Fortunately, I have several first hand witnesses to it all, and I know that my manager and the store will be behind me as an employee. If he comes back in the store, I’ll be calling security. It was that bad. It takes so much to become uncomfortable and that weirded out and put out of place; so, I know it wasn’t ok.

So…that was my end of the day Sunday. I just hope that he never comes back to the store. Ever.

Much Love…or not so much love currently,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

Time goes by

So, it’s been far too long without a post. I’ve been very busy with work, as well as allotting more of my free time to transportation. This has severely cut down my writing times. Leaving me to not have posted for…a while. I didn’t actually check when the last post was, I just know it was a while ago. So…here is my rectification!

Work has been constant and ultimately very crazy, in particular this week, where I’ve managed to do seemingly…everything. I’ve called all over the country (Michigan, California, and Idaho), laughed and had a swell time with customers as we discussed all the crazy things in our lives, and had plenty of personal boundaries broken by random customers. And when I say broken…the boundaries were BEYOND crossed. It’s been a pretty ridiculous week. When you have a phone call where someone talks to you about how to find a pair of underwear that lets your junk “pop” out, I think you’ve succeeded in having your personal boundaries in what you discuss with a random stranger over the phone expand. Add to that the customer who reached around the till and put his hand down the back of my shirt to feel the tag of my polo, and as I said…the boundaries have been broken.

I mean…at least the week hasn’t been awful. Work has actually been going very well. I was able to fix things that went wrong in three states (hence the calling of multiple states), correctly recorded things, and made life a little happier for a guy getting married. I have to say…it’s been a good week. Just completely busy and exhausting. So, it’s been difficult.

I’m still adjusting to no car; I’m making it work, but I’ve had to sacrifice certain things, like going to the gym as much as I used to. Sometimes, you just can’t make the bus schedule work in your favor. But, life goes on. And, I have to say, the addition of more money to my bank account due to not buying gas has been wonderful. Still…I do miss my car. I just don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.

So, my post has fizzled out because I’m tired. So, I’m stopping. maybe more tomorrow…maybe.

Much love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

Hooray, hooray, you’re my silver lining

So, the verdict is on my transmission. Apparently, the part that’s actually broken they can get the parts for and fix in the next few days. But, another part of the transmission, the oil cooler tank, has a bunch of particulates and grunk and such, which if not replaced could reenter the transmission, wrecking havoc causing the same issue that is currently causing my car to, ya know…not work. So, they want to replace it. Which is good…problem is, the part is on back order. Meaning it will be here in approximately 1.5 weeks. Summary of the situation: Car will be fixed, but I shall be car-less for nearly two weeks. Fortunately, as I’ve stated previously, it’s been possible for me to survive in Eugene without a car. So, I know I’ll be ok and not fall apart and die. And really, there is an upside to all this: I won’t be buying gas for a little while. Meaning, I will have more cash than i normally would. So…that’s at least a silver lining in this all.

To be honest, I’m still only really worried about certain days and times when I work. Mostly because at night when I close, the buses are a little less frequent. And on the weekends, the schedules do get a bit whack. But, I’ll make it work. If one thing I’m able to handle is taking what life gives me and simply making it work, no matter what making it works means. Such as last Sunday, when i was uncomfortable with the bus schedule for a Sunday, I walked to work…40 minutes, but walked. And it was nice, to be honest. A little long maybe, but, I got there on time, I did it knowing I could do it, and that was all that mattered to me. So, knowing that I can make it happen is really all that matters to me. It will work. I will make it work.

And really, there are other good things to come of this. I’m walking far more than i have in many months; after taking the time off from school, I began to get back into a driving mentality. Things that I could have taken the bus or walked to, I chose to drive, because it just seemed so much easier. But now, I’m back to walking many blocks every day. So, I’ll get back into walking shape, which clearly is a good thing.

Thank the Lord I can find the good in this situation. I could so easily become bitter and angry about it all. I think the biggest reason I’m not angry is because what good would it do? Things like this happen, and all you can do is work past and through the hard times. Complaining and hating all that I can’t control will only turn me into one of those sad, angry people that I don’t like. And considering I’m finally beginning to feel all put together and liking myself again, I’d rather not give myself fodder to dislike myself. Who needs that in life?

Ok, I’ll off to sleep. Working commences again tomorrow, and I’ve gotta be perky and alert for it.

Much Love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

Everybody move to the back of the bus

I’ve been a believer for a long time that everything we experience in life is a lesson of some sort; something that if we’re able to realize it, teaches us something valuable and needed. My lesson most recently: that there is life without an auto.

So, the PT is at the dealer, where it’s being inspected and torn apart to find out just what went wrong with my transmission. While this is going on, I’m car-less. Which, to be honest, is completely manageable. At least, it is in Eugene, but, still. Over the past few days, I’ve discovered I can exist without needing a car. With buses, the use of my legs, and my bike, I can do basically everything I do on a regular basis. At least, everything I do on a regular basis SO FAR. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get out to Shawn and Kim’s tomorrow, but we’ll see. I know it’s possible to get to their apartment with the bus, just not sure how to, really. It’s all a learning process currently. I can even get to the gym. Which is amazing. So, fantastic.

But, I do have to say I’ve gained a respect for people who do not have cars. Relying entirely on buses requires you to sacrifice certain things. The major sacrifice is time. errands that would take an hour by just driving take an additional hour and a half when using only the bus. This is due to waiting for the bus as well as the slower movement of travel when combining the start and stop of letting people off the bus. Add in transferring bus lines, and the time adds up. But, it does save money. And really, it isn’t a painful experience taking the bus, so…fantastic. Maybe after my car is finished, I’ll switch to primarily bus usage. I can get to work fine most of the time, and really that’s the biggest concern. So…maybe I’ll get to be all environmentally friendly and such. How Oregon of me.

Ok, I’m gonna run. Time to gym via bus and then it’s Tuesday, so, Taylor’s with friends. Lata ya’ll!

Much love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

It has become the time of evening

I’m always amazed at how the world balances things out over the course of a day. I had a fantastic day at work, one where I enjoyed working every minute of the day; sandwiched between that, though, was my car having sudden and ridiculously awful transmission trouble. It was as if Life knew that, were I to have the whole day be a constant stress ball, I would have fallen apart. Instead, there was a respite between it all, letting me forget about the awful worry of my car falling apart on me. As I said, I’m amazed by it. And I thank life for that. It’s all a little reminder that there is a balance of all in the world. Thankfully.

So, yesterday I found out that I’m not only am I moving into a new line at Macy’s in the men’s furnishings (shirts and ties), a week later, I’m going to begin a full line in men’s sportswear. Basically, I’m going to now be a full time for sure employee. It’s actually very good news, in all terms. I’m going to have set hours, set schedule, and the ability to move up further. At the rate this is going, who knows where it’ll go. I’ve also been very lucky to hear from…many people, from all areas of the store, that I’m an appreciated worker. At least, as a coworker. I’m still stunned every time someone says something to me, personally. I think it stems from that whole “I’m not that good at anything” complex that still persists in me. Regardless, to hear that people have plans to entice me to work in their sections, or to at least have me there in some capacity. It is actually quite flattering; it makes me think that I’m actually capable of gaining some master…of anything in business. In any part sales, at least. So, that’s nice to hear.

Though it is amusing when coworkers start to suddenly take an interest in setting you up with someone. AWKWAAAARD!!!! But not entirely. You know it’s because they’re generally interested in seeing you have something good. Which again…flattering. But still…awkward.

I feel like I don’t have much more than that to say lately. I’ve been working so much that there hasn’t been much new besides that. Besides my transmission going all possessed and dropping dead like. I repeat, besides that. I’m taking it in stride as much as I can, really. There’s nothing I can do but get it fixed, and I can’t change that it’s an inconvenience. So…it’s just how it is. I could get all freaky, upset, and angry…but Hercules (my car) has been so problem free for so long that, I’m almost proud that, when something did go wrong…it went BIG. As all things should be: go big or go home. Another motto of mine.

Alright, I’m gonna hope the heat tonight gets a little less. And that it doesn’t interfere with sleep. Night ya’ll.

Much Love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

You know what all my faces mean

I had great news last night…JESSE BARRETT, NICK JOHNSON, AND ZACH KOVAL WILL BE VISITING IN AUGUST!!! This is beyond exciting for me. Imagine the magic and joy of Christmas, combined with the debauchery and drunkenness of Mardis Gras…and you get a slight picture of just how much fun that will be. Fantastical!

Even thought I last saw Jesse and Nick in June, I greatly greatly miss them. I haven’t seen Zach since March? Early April? I don’t really remember. But I greatly miss him, too. I miss all three of them…like whoa. Or comme le whoa. Or wie whoa. All of them combined, really, is how excited I am. As I’ve said before, Jesse and mys friendship, while surviving with distance in most occasions, becomes a heavy weight crazy time when we’re together. Thankfully, too. I miss my Detail Person!!! Izzie/Professor, get your ass here NOW! You’re making me wait till AUGUST!?!?!?!
Certain people make your day better. Namely, by getting to talk about completely innocuous and mundane things. Like what movies we’ve seen lately. It reminds me why there’s somethings that are completely wonderful. It was an awesome moment before the gym. Which, surprisingly, I was able to get to today, even after 8 hours of work. I just need to keep it up on days like today, and my complete readjustment to work schedule and gym schedule will be complete! Hopefully, at least.

Ok, that’s the end of this post. Boring? Yes. Lack of intelligence? Probably. Difficult to give a title to? You betcha.

Much Love,

K.E.

Read Full Post »

Heil’ge nacht, du sinkest nieder

The weather today was almost indicative of how I felt all day. Hot, brooding, oppressive; there was a certain balmy crush to the heat that permeated everything. It complemented well the…mood I felt earlier. Which, if you read the previous post, was hot blooded, brooding, and well, oppressive. Or at least, had many of those characteristics to it all. Fortunately, night is…attempting to cool off the day, and will settle to somewhere between uncomfortable and adequate.

Today was also, again, a day when I get reminded about a whole mess of things, mostly regarding actions and words. Namely, my own actions and words, and namely those that happen with this very blog.

I have definitely come to use this blog as my place to release, my place to spout, and my space to deal. With that, I realize, I’ve also come to not censor certain aspects of it, namely the language syntax of what i say; each post regards something feel and wish to say, and to me I have to convey that correctly. I just forget that people…actually read this. It isn’t the silent journal under my bed or hidden in the drawer with my socks; it’s a living, public forum that though I write, others read. Which of course makes life and subjects in it very interesting.

I feel that I owe…some sort of clarity regarding certain things. Or truthishly, maybe I don’t. But, there’s things that could be said.

I think back a lot on life, and see the many moments where I was never honest; the times when I didn’t react when I should have, didn’t say something when I was right, and didn’t say anything at all for fear of being wrong, disregarded, broken down, or belittled. Holding in honesty is a terrible thing when it puts you in situations that you wouldn’t have wanted to be in in the first place. As well, I’ve been on the receiving end from people who were not honest with me. Too many things can leave you ruined by a lack of honesty, including Disneyland, friendships, and family (perhaps an odd sounding trifecta, but amazingly all were truly ruined by a lack of honesty). I’ve had too much of my life wasted by other people having a lack of honesty to a point that I’d rather be brutally honest rather than nothing at all. So, as I’ve grown up, or at least attempted to do, I try to be more honest. Sometimes, it is a flood of honesty, and it’s raw and unrefined. But still, it is honest. I fault no one for being honest with me, either, whether simple or brutal. I relish it, whatever it be. Even if you hate me or don’t agree with me, I’d rather hear it. So, thank you.

Looking at it all, I probably did have a slight over-react to a situation. I can admit that, because people over react. It’s something that happens to all human beings at some point in their lives, and no one is immune to it. But I do not- and cannot- apologize for feeling and acting how I did, because they were honest and true feelings. I cannot go back and change the way I felt, nor can i go back and change how I’ve felt over the past 23 years. I don’t regret reaction either, because it is history. For too long before now I did regret emotions, did regret having felt anything at all regarding people and actions, and regret ever had an opinion regarding someone or myself. Having come from that place in my life, I can’t go back and regret all that was or wasn’t. I can only go forward to the next day, nothing more, nothing less.

I can apologize, though, if what I say hurts someone. I didn’t say honesty was pain free, and sometimes it just really hurts. That’s the double edged sword of it all: that in being honest for yourself, you can end up causing pain to others. So, I definitely say I’m sorry for things I say or do that end up hurting someone else. I just can’t apologize for being honest.

It may not make sense to people what I’m saying, which is fine. As I said before, this whole blog for me is a vehicle for something within me that has clearly been needing to be released through this blog. So, it’s my opinion, my thoughts, my whimsy, my emotions, and my feelings, collected and sometimes not always pleasant. I stand by it, though. Regardless of what it all does once it leaves my mind and enters the interweb.
So yeah. I think that’s all I wanted to say with this post…I think. I don’t intend for it be seen as an apology post, or an attempt to back track. This post is about…it’s about exactly why I write in this damn thing. It’s about me and how I feel. And no matter how narcissistic that sounds, that is the reason I have the blog, and the reason why I write in the first place. So, yes. I think that’s all.

Much Love…and a hot warm night,

K.E.

P.S. I’m totally annoyed that Rich Harden is going to the Cubs. I’ll miss him on the A’s. Sadness, for sure.

Read Full Post »

I do not feel ashamed

In my infinite abilities to be me, in the past two days I have managed to be come the resident ass hole and douche extaordinaire. With all truth, though, I have no problem with this new position. Nor do I care that me having opinions and reacting to situations based on those opinions comes off as being bad. As I had a conversation last night with a friend, I’m beginning to think the way I was raised just sets me up for a completely skewed view of how the world (including the “gay world”. I’m so tired of the assumption that it’s somehow separate from how life is) should be and how people should be expected to act.

This friend, Shannon, and I were discussing about how we both have certain societal norms we follow; namely, we both believe that regardless of how capable a girl or lady is of getting home, they should let someone know they do get home safely, or at the least have someone walk with them just in case. I know that in today’s world, that seems sexist and old fashioned; but, there is still the honest truth that women are preyed upon at night by bad people, even in the safest of cities. Being cautious and wanting to ensure someone makes it home safely shouldn’t become a question of women’s lib; it should be a question of how conscious you are of the potential dangers in life.

This isn’t even the example or cause of me being a complete douche, either. This was just something that she and I got annoyed at because people think it’s outdated. No, I’m a douche because I expect far too much of other people based off of how I expect to act; essentially the Golden Rule: do unto others as you do to you, or act how you want others to act towards you. I figure that’s a really simple principle to live by, and something that is universally accepted. Fortunately, it is. But, the issue of late is running into multiple situations where other people don’t act in a way I would towards them, and I’ve called them out on it or let them know it isn’t ok. This action, of course, is what makes me a douche.

See, if I were said party making the offense, living by my own expectations, I would want the person I’ve offended (I’ve used offended as the actual term…not so much as fully made upset) to tell me when something wasn’t ok with my actions. Yet, in the past two days, people apparently don’t want to hear these things. They’d rather just let things slide. I don’t let things slide. I just don’t.

See, here’s the example: if someone wants to hang out with you (and hang out is in the “attempt to move towards a date” sense), me being who I am, expects that person to ask me themselves, as well as do it either in person or in a medium they own (cell phone, land line, even Facebook for goodness sake), and along with that, actually allow me to answer and not retract that proposal. So, when someone uses another friend’s cell to text me (we’re using fake names today: Marlene and Arnold), and doesn’t clearly let me know that the person texting me isn’t actually Marlene, that irks me. Especially when, while texting thinking I’m talking to Marlene, I make plans that in turn are with Arnold. What causes this confusion? The fact Arnold wants to use Marlene’s phone because it’s cheaper to text.

So, the issues with the above situation are such: first off, I don’t like feeling deceived and that I’m being led to think I’m talking to someone else. If you’re going to use someone else’s phone, in the very first text, you let that be known, not the second text where you in the past tense and third person refer to the text previous. This reads as the previous text was from you, Arnold, but all the following texts are from Marlene, not Arnold. Second, I don’t like feeling dishonest. While thinking I was talking to Marlene, I had decided to try and make plans to hang out; to be honest, I didn’t want to go on a hang out or coffee date with Arnold, and had I known it was him, I would have been frank with him and declined. So when halfway through, when you suddenly find out that the person you’re making plans with isn’t who you think it is, you feel completely awful because now, you’re the bad guy who has to break off something you just planned.

To top it off, though, I think what makes me most irked by the whole thing is that, if you want to ask me to hang out or go on a coffee date, please, do it from your own phone. Regardless of it maybe costing you money to text me, how about not texting me and call me. It may sound pompous, stuck up, and haughty, but I am an adult male deserving of someone to ask me themselves using their own mediums, not someone else’s. If I hold myself to that same standard when I ask another person out, why am I exempt from my own standard? I’m not.

So, the whole round about thing of this, is that, in the above mentioned situation, I let it be known that I was annoyed with the whole situation, and didn’t appreciate how it felt. Add to that I was alcoholated. What do you get? Me becoming someone is honest, but that come across now as an asshole douche. All because I try my best to be honest. Who knew that would be such an issue?

Well, I’m gonna leave it at that. I’m sure somehow in the next few days I’ll be considered and seen as even more of a douche to some. But, that I cannot control.

Much Love…and Douchery,

K.E.

Read Full Post »