So, it’s been a few months since my last post. I was REALLY on a roll there for a bit, but then the holidays, New Year, sickness, and a trip to New York came into play. And time slipped away from me for a post. Until now. Seeing as my past posts have held a very common theme, this post ties into all that…and starts a new story line for the next few weeks (40 days in full, to be exact.)
About two months ago I threw myself head first into the on-line dating world. I’m happy to report that in those two months I’ve gone on multiple dates, met many new people, questioned everything about my self worth and value as a human being. I’ve compared myself to every person’s body as not quite good enough, not quite thin enough, not quite strong enough, and not maintained enough for someone to really date. My personality was still genuine but consciously groomed to make sure the weird pet peeves I have didn’t surface, or how my longterm expectations were something that mattered to me. Remember, though, having expectation conversations early with someone is really forward and too serious. Because God damn it I just wanted to make we’re on the same page for 5 year plans but I can’t ask that because THEN I’M FUCKING DESPERATE AREN’T I?! I reminded myself to be open to different preferences sexually because what if that perfect person and I aren’t sexually compatible but we’re perfect every other way…because that’s what relationships, dating, eventually marriage, is all about right? Meeting someone half way. Or something like that. I don’t know, it all got convoluted for me half way through this rant of a paragraph.
So yes, over the past two months…that is the swirl of living I have done in my romantic life. Which…if you can’t guess…is unbelievably exhausting. It’s exhausting to have that much constantly going on. To question yourself just that much. To give yourself evaluations very two days to make sure that maybe you’re likable enough to see someone again. Also, make sure you stay in contact with them but not too much contact…you can’t seem desperate for their attention. But even more important, make sure you make them work for your attention too. They need to communicate and initiate as well, so make them realize that with silence and awkward response times. Because we’re all healthy communicators in this world. Obviously.
Ok that paragraph got ranty too. My apologies; once the fingers start flying, the words just come out.
Ok, so really, let’s get back to the point: this is what dating is like in our hyper connected age. We have so many different ways to electronically meet someone through ethereal methods which feel like an instant connection, but are really just satisfy our immediate need for approval. A woof on Scruff is no different than a match on Tinder; it’s a stranger saying they approve. You’re worthy. Which for all the success stories of people finding a soul mate through these channels, the majority are seeking enough approval to make it through the day.
So. I’m doing something for Lent for the first time ever: I’m deleting the dating apps for 40 days. Originally it was just gonna be Grindr and Scruff, since those are my biggest time suckers. But…after starting this little piece, I realize I’m deleting them all. It’s a fresh start to not worry about approval and valuations others give me, but about the actual approval and value I give myself. It’s great that I can make it onto the Scruff Global page and get 15 woofs, but what’s that actually do for me as a person seeking in person, longterm connection? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
So my challenge is really simple: live 40 days without these apps. Remind myself that worth isn’t connected to others, but connected to your own personal self. See what life is like with less random hookups (which we all know I focus on dating but I’m well known for the number of men I know in life…you know the “know” I mean.)
So there’s that. I’m guessing I’m gonna write a lot as my brain goes through the separation anxiety of it all. So be kind and pretend what I write is relevant and interesting.
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